Contrary to popular belief...
...there are such things as stupid questions. I know, I know, they told you different in school that there are "no such things," but have you ever had the fortitude to find out what those people who told you that are doing now?
The World's Top 5 Stupidest Questions:
(5) -- Are you asleep?
Argumentatively
rhetorical. If yes, you get no answer. If no, then, well, no. The only
loophole I can see to this one is saying you were having this wonderful
dream where you were at a benefit at the Pierre Hotel
in New York City and all your friends and repentant enemies were there
telling you about all the positive things you were doing with your life
and how jealous they were and, Shit, you were somehow torn from all that to find yourself in a pool of your own drool...
(4) -- Ain't life weird?
As opposed to what?
Really, how much experience have you had with death to insinuate a
means of comparison? No, your grandma's funeral don't count. Remember?
Weren't you alive for that or did the Screwdriver fountain at the wake distract you? I want proof that
you went into the light, CarolAnn! And what's with this "ain't" shit?
Don't you know that the high falutin' philosopher Plato said that
proper grammar was the root of all morality? Or at least the root of
all legal harmony?
(3) -- Do you promise not to get mad if I tell you...?
This is the inquisitive version of Suicide by Cop. It is so wrong,
people. It is saying, "I want you to get extremely angry at me before I
confess the following transgression but I want you to be
man/woman/person enough to be able to forgive me in advance, and I
promise I won't pull this shit on you in the future ever again for something my sick little mind wants to get freaky with."
(2) -- Does this [whatever] make me look fat?
Yes yes yes, I'm biased because I an a guy.
I welcome all you womenfolk out there to come up with a suitable analog
for the menfolk. But this is an impossible question in the sense that
it already predicates, insists upon, an acceptable answer, which is an
emphatic and pause-lacking, NO! A possible corallary is, "Come to think of it, [that] makes everyone else look
fat." This corollary has not been field tested and the Author accepts
no responsibility for having your sorry ass kicked all over creation
and made un-laid. The hard truth is "All Women are Fat, except for the
One you Love."
(1) -- Can I ask you a question?
My response? Yes. You already have. Good for you! I
seem to be out of lollipops at the moment. The more cagey out there
will realize their grammatical blunder and offer the secondary
apologetic question: "May I ask you a question?" The astute will reply: "No, sorry. One per customer."
Annoying honorable mentions (more to sow grief, and make one a contender for the Paradox Crest of Creative Smartassery [currently held by MainMor]:
-- What's Up? The opposite of Down.
-- Are you all right? No, I'm half left. (Of course, not applicable to Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, or any member of the Fox News Team.)
And, as always, being that I am not perfect -- no matter how hard I try -- I welcome questions to upset my Top 5!!!
Comments
Very funny, Doc - and insightfully written.
But seriously the stupidest question ever is, "How did you get so tall?" What the fuck? How on earth do you even begin to answer that one?
Hmmm...Doc, I think I asked you question #5 the other night... is that what inspired you to write this? At the same time, the second it came out of my mouth I thought "wow that is a stupid question". So I thoroughly agree.
I ask you question #2 at least daily. It's not a stupid question - it's a question with two possible responses (one of which is stupid).
Personally, I hate the question, "Are you going to eat that?" Um, is it on my plate??!? Then YES I'm going to eat it! Not only was I taught to finish everything on my plate, but I'm also a foodie. I love (good) food too much to waste it.
On the other hand, if it's garbage - sure, you're welcome to have it.
I'm in Doc's corner with #2.
The question that always makes me shiver everytime I hear it is actually an add-on from a previous question.
"You know what I mean?"
# 2 is a trap, but there is an answer that will get you out alive. If the outfit is truly wretched and makes her look unattractive then you must prevent her from going out in it. Say to her "I liked the black skirt/dress/outfit you had on better. It makes you look really sexy." I know, she will say "that means you don't like this one." Don't give in. Say instead "No, I just love you in this. If you don't want to dress sexy for me, that's up to you." Guilt, tinged with affection, will usually prevail.
Of course there are wicked women like me out there who consider this activity a legitimate sport. In that case there is no winning. Funny, even though my husband knows it will end badly, he still plays the "does this make me look pretty" game all the time.