13 posts tagged “qotd”
The following is a heartfelt sincere attempt to atone for my sins against the QotD, its friends, family, corporate sponsors, and all affected parties. I don't know what came over me and made me say all those bad, bad things. Sometimes the world is a scary place, and sometimes the only way to deal with it is to be scary back. So, without further ado:
Puppies!
Is there anything better or more wonderful in the world than Puppies? I don't think so. I can think of a alot of things but none of them even remotely compares to Puppies. Oftentimes I scratch my head wondering whether puppies are the uggiest or the wuggiest things in God's creation. They just seem both, don't you think, regardless of the logical paradox of dual superlatives. Wow, where did that come from? Those words made me forget what I was saying. Where was I now? Oh yeah, Puppies!
Whenever I see a puppy I just want to give him/her a gweat big huggy and say "Oooo is da cudest widdle fing? Oooo is da cudest widdle fing? Yes you are! Yes you are!" Ah, yes, there's something philosophically satisfying in that. I never tire of it. I can even look at pictures of puppies all day long and never get tired of it. No sir. Who could possibly get tired of puppies? No one I care to know or associate with, I can tell you. You'd have to be a terrorist or Dick Cheney not to like puppies.
I even love saying the word. I rejoice in it. Who doesn't? Say it now, right there at your computer. Puppies! Puppies! Puppies! Except don't say it in front of the mirror, or a puppy will appear behind you. Peek-a-boo! It's true! I read that somewhere on the Internet, and you'd be a fool not to take something seriously if it's on the Internet. And if a puppy doesn't appear, that means you secretly hate puppies and are a bad bad awful person who needs a cap popped in their hiney.
So there you have it. There's nothing more wonderful and magical and cute and adorable and lovable in the world than Puppies!
Except when they shit on the floor. Then I just want to break the little fucker's neck.
Ha, ha! Just kidding! :)
Puppies!
If you were told you could relive a moment in your life, which would you choose?
Submitted by Slight Diffusion.
Fuck you, QotD! Fuck you right in the ear! Who the fuck do you think you are anyway? Do you think that life is just one Save Game fantasy that the GubMint's trying to sell to our future Car Bomb Fodder through a "Live Strong" campaign? Fuck youuuuuuuuuu.
What moment do I want to relive? Yeah, ask that question to anyone who has any experience with drug addiction. And then go fuck yourself again. Because that is exactly what addiction is. Trying to replicate, or relive that moment of life, that fucked sense of sentimentality that drags us all down, is like asking someone if you had to eat your own shit, what meal a few hours before would you choose?
In other words, this question is stupid. Stupid beyond words. It's jerkoff material for Hollywood so they can make their Happy Days or Back To The Future for the 21st Century remakes.
So, go fuck off and die QotD, I'm done wasting my present yearning to live or relive the past, and fuck all you other jerkwads who want to relive the past too.
I'm done. cnInn
"Sexy Time" (and potentially regrettable) Edition (Time To Put Those Kiddies To Bed, Parent-Folk)**
The following is inspired by a recent private message from one of my does-not-wish-to-be-identified readers but it's been a long friggin' day and I have nothing but the impulse to indulge my Id:
- What's your favorite fucking room?
- What's your favorite fucking piece of furniture to support...um, said activity?
- What's your favorite fucking position?
- Where is fucking least uncomfortable? In the back of a Volkswagen?
- What's your favorite fucking toy? (Children's toys will not be accepted as a legitimate answer.)
- What's your favorite fucking movie? If you had to make a fucking movie, who would you make it with? Who would you hire as the cinematographer?
- What's your favorite fucking animal noise? Is it cute? What fucking names do you call each other? Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
- What's your favorite fucking non-genital body part? And what do you like to nuzzle it with? Pervert.
- If you suddenly realized that the fucking drapes were open would you fucking care? And if so, do you fucking continue after you've fucking closed the drapes?
- If the one you're with "loses interest" what do you fucking do? What do they fucking do? Details, people, details, this is science after all!
- Do you have a favorite fucking outfit? And if so, do you get it regularly dry-cleaned? Did you buy it online, you naughty person?
- What do you think about while fucking, or is that just a stupid fucking question?
- Are you getting tired of the generous, provacative use of the word "fucking?" And if so, what makes you so high and mighty, Officer Language Police?
- Do you worry about your fucking appearance? I know I do.
- If a fucking train leaves Chicago bound for New York at 50 miles per hour at 3 p.m., and another fucking train leaves New York for Chicago at 60 miles per hour at 3:15 p.m., on which train will there have been more fucking by time they meet in Columbus, Ohio?
- Do you have a fucking clue? I believe Socrates first posed this question.
*The content provider of this particular blog contends that if it were collecting information via the QotD, the content provider would use that information in a completely legal way as a marketing tool, specific to this exercise, as a way of producing pornography that would better serve the hearts, minds and dirty, filthy imaginations of those supporting a $10 billion plus market.
**The following is not for the sake of prurient interest, or a convenient session of Tourette's therapy, but is delivered as an insightful inquiry into the QotD phenomena and the standards and practices applied to it and also as a grammatical exploration into the significance and visceral effect of the adjectival gerund. No animals were harmed in the production of this blog post.
...there are such things as stupid questions. I know, I know, they told you different in school that there are "no such things," but have you ever had the fortitude to find out what those people who told you that are doing now?
The World's Top 5 Stupidest Questions:
(5) -- Are you asleep?
Argumentatively
rhetorical. If yes, you get no answer. If no, then, well, no. The only
loophole I can see to this one is saying you were having this wonderful
dream where you were at a benefit at the Pierre Hotel
in New York City and all your friends and repentant enemies were there
telling you about all the positive things you were doing with your life
and how jealous they were and, Shit, you were somehow torn from all that to find yourself in a pool of your own drool...
(4) -- Ain't life weird?
As opposed to what?
Really, how much experience have you had with death to insinuate a
means of comparison? No, your grandma's funeral don't count. Remember?
Weren't you alive for that or did the Screwdriver fountain at the wake distract you? I want proof that
you went into the light, CarolAnn! And what's with this "ain't" shit?
Don't you know that the high falutin' philosopher Plato said that
proper grammar was the root of all morality? Or at least the root of
all legal harmony?
(3) -- Do you promise not to get mad if I tell you...?
This is the inquisitive version of Suicide by Cop. It is so wrong,
people. It is saying, "I want you to get extremely angry at me before I
confess the following transgression but I want you to be
man/woman/person enough to be able to forgive me in advance, and I
promise I won't pull this shit on you in the future ever again for something my sick little mind wants to get freaky with."
(2) -- Does this [whatever] make me look fat?
Yes yes yes, I'm biased because I an a guy.
I welcome all you womenfolk out there to come up with a suitable analog
for the menfolk. But this is an impossible question in the sense that
it already predicates, insists upon, an acceptable answer, which is an
emphatic and pause-lacking, NO! A possible corallary is, "Come to think of it, [that] makes everyone else look
fat." This corollary has not been field tested and the Author accepts
no responsibility for having your sorry ass kicked all over creation
and made un-laid. The hard truth is "All Women are Fat, except for the
One you Love."
(1) -- Can I ask you a question?
My response? Yes. You already have. Good for you! I
seem to be out of lollipops at the moment. The more cagey out there
will realize their grammatical blunder and offer the secondary
apologetic question: "May I ask you a question?" The astute will reply: "No, sorry. One per customer."
Annoying honorable mentions (more to sow grief, and make one a contender for the Paradox Crest of Creative Smartassery [currently held by MainMor]:
-- What's Up? The opposite of Down.
-- Are you all right? No, I'm half left. (Of course, not applicable to Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, or any member of the Fox News Team.)
And, as always, being that I am not perfect -- no matter how hard I try -- I welcome questions to upset my Top 5!!!
What is your favorite scent?
Submitted by Erinen.
Short Answer: Mah Woman, and lilies.
Long Answer: Finally, a QotD that won't result in having my dead
grandmother appearing to me saying "I thought we agreed you wouldn't
write about this."
As we all know, or at least those of us that have read the seminal
works of Tom Robbins, most specifically, his most wonderful book Jitterbug Perfume, smell is perhaps the least understood and most psychologically entrenched of all the five senses. And for those familiar with The Ice Storm,
we have Elijah Wood's creepy insight into how smell is like taste and
the quandary of when you go into a particularly pungent public lavatory.
Taking the painstaking (and obviously showboaty) literary allusions
further still, combining them with Marcel Proust's Swann's Way from À la recherche du temps perdu,
smell is like an experiential time machine that transports us back to
not just a memory but to an Overwhelming State of Being akin to déjà vu. And leave it up to the Japanese to try to make this marketable.
Essentially, scent is that incomprehensible make-or-break life raft we
find ourselves clinging to in the storm of life that gives us that
much-needed comfort and stability. So yes, the smell of Mah Woman makes
me happy and calm, and connects me to her not only in a way I'll never
understand but one that also rails against that constructed superego
and tells me "Doc, just STFU and enjoy the enchanting bliss that is
your purty smellin' little girl." As for lilies? Who knows? All I do know
is I want a ton of Casablancas at my viewing/wake/whatever so anyone
who gave a shit about me can taste with their noses that which brought
me so much mysterious pleasure in life.
Once upon a time I submitted a QotD suggestion. It must have gotten lost behind the filing cabinet. I thought it was an interesting question and thought the replies would not only be entertaining but educational. The question was: "What is the most rotten thing you have ever done to another human being?"
So here's a partial list of other QotD suggestions that will likely never see the light of day.
- Why do you hate America so much?
- Do you have all your original fingers and toes? And if so, why?
- If ooo could be an uggy-wuggy fuzzy bunny, what color uggy-wuggy fuzzy bunny would ooo be? And what color uggy-wuggy fuzzy bunny would be inferior to yours?
- How would you prefer to die? I'm booked solid until next week.
- Are you going to finish that?
- Do you like stuff?
- If the President asked you to pull his finger, would you? Would the Secret Service have to intervene with the use of deadly force?
- Is the QotD merely a thinly-disguised marketing data collection tool? And if so, what color Nissan would you care to live in, Citizen?
- Do you think God really cares if you masturbate? Or do you think He's just gotten used to the Baby Jesus crying?
- What is your all-time favorite grosser-than-gross guilty pleasure?
- If you're offended by something, isn't that your problem?
- What is your problem anyway?
- Who's your Daddy?
- Why are some wars more fun to re-enact than others?
- What are the pet names of your/your partner's genitals? What are they going as this Halloween?
- If a magical fairy granted everyone in the world the ability to
wish any one person dead, how many seconds would the human race have left? And if someone magically survived, who do you think
that someone would be?
- What's the worst published QotD you've ever seen?
What is your earliest memory?
Submitted by Megan.
I forgot.
How did you meet your best friend(s)?
By working for a bankrupt community newspaper run by an unsavory publisher and using kofi haus (a.k.a. Misha's) as a living room.
What's your motto?
"Nobody knows what the hell they're doing. But that doesn't prevent them from pretending they do."
How many places have you lived in your life?
Camden, N.J.; Voorhees, N.J.; Daytona Beach, Fla.; New Brunswick, N.J.; London; Santa Fe, N.M.; Alexandria, Va.; New York City.
